


Tricky Tales from the Cantankerous West

by crystalsexarch



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Alternate Universe - Western, M/M, a man has rights, implied haurcheric, it's national cowboy day okay, one (1) dick joke, this is a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25512565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalsexarch/pseuds/crystalsexarch
Summary: They say he dueled the devil and walked away with a revolver that shined brighter than the sun—that his aim was so sharp you could slice your pinky finger for talking about it wrong.They say his horse was uglier than sin and his face as pretty as a desert rose.But just because they say it don’t make it true.It's National Cowboy Day and my friends told me I can do what I want so eff it, everyone is cowboys now.
Relationships: G'raha Tia | Crystal Exarch/Warrior of Light
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24





	Tricky Tales from the Cantankerous West

**Author's Note:**

> I have sinned

I. The Warrior of Light

Folks say he stopped a gang of train robbers with a rubber band and a bullet. Turned a town feud into the most profitable mining operation this side of the mountains. Tricked the west’s most wanted into turning herself in with a broken bottle of tequila and a sly smile. They say he dueled the devil and walked away with a revolver that shined brighter than the sun—that his aim was so sharp you could slice your pinky finger for talking about it wrong.They say his horse was uglier than sin and his face as pretty as a desert rose.

But just because they say it don’t make it true.

No, when he came to town his eyes looked mostly dead and his body at least three quarters. Soon as his horse carried him to the general store, he practically fell off the damn thing, dove head first into a bucket of rain water—he got lucky there—and started lapping like his life depended on it. Miss Minfilia Warde just happened to be looking the wrong way, and being such a kind lady she couldn’t help but speak up. “Excuse me sir,” she said with her hand hovering at her collar. “Are you all right?”

He spat out what water he’d yet to swallow and gasped for breath like someone had been holding his head down. Then, despite the fact he’d been asked a simple four-word question, he let his eyes flicker to the side with the drama of a man who’d heard his name spoken like a curse on the other side of the bar. “They call me,” he said, “the Warrior of Light.”

Miss Warde was so perplexed by this moniker that she hardly noticed the rust-headed rider pulling around the corner at a leisurely pace. His laugh cracked like thunder—his shining smile must’ve been the lightning—and when he spoke, it sounded as refreshing as a rare summer rain. “Ha!” he said. “No they don’t!”

“Shush, you!”

The redhead slid off his horse and started picking up his partner. “Let’s get you outta the sun before you start telling tales again.”

“Can’t call em tales if they’re true.”

“They’re tales, all right, true or not.” The redhead winked at Minfilia. “And you, my friend are in no shape to tell ‘em.”

II. The Deputies

They say it wasn’t long before the so-called Warrior of Light was practically knocking down the mayor’s door, asking for work. Or as he called it—

“I’m offering you one hell of an opportunity,” he said, pressing a leather-gloved finger onto Raubahn’s desk.

The mayor stared back with steely eyes. “And I’m giving you one opportunity to get your hand out from where it don’t belong.”

The redhead, who’d been quietly admiring the mayor’s cavalry sword collection in the corner, sauntered over and removed the so-called Warrior of Light’s hand from it’s offensive position. “Don’t mind my partner,” he said. “He’s just eager to make himself useful.”

“And who are you?”

He looked eager to answer. “Why, I’m G’raha Tia. Also known as the adjudicator of the sacred history with which you’d dare trifle. Or, the keeper of this tower's—”

“All right, all right.” Mayor Raubahn leaned back in his chair. “If you boys want to lend your skills, I won’t stop you unless you cause trouble. But you’ll have to take it up with my sheriff and his deputies.”

G’raha beamed and pulled his friend another step away from the desk before he could open his mouth and ruin their good fortune. “Excellent.”

-

“Can’t believe you let him push us around like that,” the Warrior griped as he and G’raha approached the sheriff’s office.

“It’s his town, and you _are_ a stranger to him.”

“Hogwash. Everyone’s heard of the Warrior of Light.”

“Consider yourself lucky he didn’t hear about the Warrior of Light’s time in Thavnair.”

“Pfft.” The Warrior kicked a stray rock. “Thavnair’s a lifetime away. No one from Thavnair winds up here.”

“ _We_ wound up here.”

“Yes, but we had considerable motivation to get out of town. Must I remind you what the madam—”

“Shh. That must be one of the deputies…” The Warrior pointed through a dusty old window. All G’raha could see was a silver ponytail draped over the back of a chair. His partner lowered his stance and squinted. “You don’t think he’s up to something, do you?”

G’raha squinted and lowered his voice. “He does appear awfully subdued…”

“Let’s approach. Real quiet-like…”

G’raha nodded.

The Warrior held his hand over his revolver and crept up onto the porch, stepping lighter than the ghost of a tumbleweed. After exchanging a comforting glance with G’raha, he pushed open the door and swung around ready to whip out his revolver.

The deputy, a man who looked too mean for his age, didn’t budge—because he was asleep with his feet propped up on the sheriff’s desk.

“He’s asleep,” the Warrior said, relaxing.

G’raha cocked his head. “Well, I’ll be—”

“Stop right there!”

After the call, a rush of footsteps followed the travelers into the building. Soon, the Warrior and his partner found themselves staring down not one but _two_ barrels—along with two handsome men.

“Y’all look mighty suspicious,” one man said with a twinkle in his eye. His hair was also silver, but short and a bit shaggy. His deputy’s badge was upside down and his collar unbuttoned, but he looked so confident he could’ve convinced a stickler this was just the new style. “What brings you to the sheriff’s office?”

The other man, a blue-eyed, brown-haired drink of water was holding his gun steady. And he had some uniform issues, too…

The Warrior of Light blinked in disbelief. “I...your…”

“Listen here, stranger,” the silver-haired deputy said, with all the charisma in the world. “We might be a small town, but—”

“We’re not here to cause trouble,” G’raha said, raising his hands. “It’s just your partner’s got…”

“Ah.” A knowing nod. “Has his icy stare struck you? Some say Aymeric’s gaze is greater than his gun. And you’d best—”

“No, not his gaze,” G’raha said, hands still high. “His trousers.”

Without moving their guns, the pair of deputies exchanged glances before turning their heads down to take a look at the specified area. And sure enough, plain as dust in the daylight—the deputy’s buckle was not so buckled, his long johns not quite covering his long john. Only the sleeping deputy's snores broke the silence.

“Aw, hell.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you feel compelled to chastise me do so @crystalsexarch on Twitter


End file.
